Sometimes I am perplexed by the way we currently do dating.
Essentially we have spawned a dating culture in which what we are doing is in many ways unrelated to the end toward which many men and women are motivated ? to love and to be loved, not just for a short time, but for a lifetime.
The very things that often make for a good in-loveness dating relationship [see Love? Or Being In Love?] are not the primary things that make for a good marriage.
For example, good in-loveness thrives on spontaneity, novelty, excitement, and romance.
Now admittedly, marriages need spontaneity, novelty, excitement, and romance, but even in the best of them, you end up with more predictability than spontaneity, more familiarity than novelty, more ordinariness than excitement, and more routine than romance.
Unfortunately, what many men and women end up doing is spending years of their dating lives preparing not for marriage, but rather, preparing for more years of dating.
I recently had a conversation with a 28 year old woman (Denise).? She and her partner (Derek) had been together for almost 5 years.? When Denise had recently started talking about marriage, Derek began to pull away, until one day he said it was over.
As Denise put it, "I was stunned.? What had we been doing for the past 5 years?? We seemed to have everything going for us, and then suddenly it was over.? If what Derek and I were doing wasn't leading to marriage, where was it taking us?? Was it simply meant to prepare us for more dating?"
Denise's experience is not unique.? I hear the same story over and over again.? "Boy meets girl.? They fall in love.? They give as much of themselves to each other as they possibly can.? They break up."
The way we are doing dating is leaving a trail of in-love's walking wounded.? In the name of love, we encourage a depth of giving of one person to another ? personally, emotionally, and physically ?but if there is no promise of permanence, we are inviting scar tissue on the heart.
I have had countless conversations with young men and women who are convinced that married life is the antithesis of living: "Once I'm ready to settle down, then I'll get married, but in the meantime, there are too many new and exciting things I want to do. ?After all, I still have a lot of living to do."
But in reality, when marriage is done well, living is enriched, not thwarted.? Our lives unfold and take shape in a way that no other experience can affect.?
When we do marriage well ? when we find a good traveling companion on this journey called life, and we love and are loved in return ? life is anything but a ball-and-chain experience.? Rather, it is an incredibly liberating and life-giving one.
In each of us there is a desire to love and to be loved.? This longing for intimacy is met nowhere else like it is in marriage.? In fact, marriage is uniquely designed to meet these desires.?
The fact that 96% of Americans say that they have a strong desire to marry belies the fact that most of us (at least, intuitively) understand this reality.
We desire to love and to be loved ? not just for a short time, but for a lifetime.
But when you look at the way we are doing dating:
-?? Is it really preparing us for marriage?
-?? Or is it just preparing us for more dating?
Quite honestly, it shouldn't surprise any of us that many men and women who do marry (approximately 50%) end up once again in the dating world.
After all, isn't the way we are doing dating in reality a better preparation for dating than it is for marriage?
Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201202/dating-preparation-marriage-or-more-dating
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