NT female needs advice about aspie relationship - Love and Dating

LadyBug_NYC Emu Egg Joined: Nov 12, 2012 Posts: 2 Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 6:38 pm?? ?Post subject: NT female needs advice about aspie relationship I am a NT female who finds herself caring deeply about a close friend with what I believe is an Asperger?s syndrome. My friend is generally well liked but also known for his unusual quirks. When I started working with him on a job-related project, I realized that he is also an exceptional human being?fiercely smart, kind, thoughtful, and found myself really attracked to him. He asked me out in a sort of awkward-adorable way and we went out for coffee a number of times. Ultimately, I don?t know what to do next! He is very reserved and private. He also has a tendency to end our meetings abruptly and simply runs away. Until I realized that he may have Asperger?s (he admitted to having a "learning disability" at one point), I was taken aback by some of his more insensitive comments, his random violations of my private space, and his frankness that sometimes borders on cruelty, not to mention his wardrobe, and various obsessions. I read my way through this forum which helped a lot. However, I want to make him a part of my life, and I still don?t know how to proceed on certain issues. Should I tell him that I know about Asperger?s and his related issues and that it?s ok?actually, all those things make him unique, and that I respect his needs and am willing to accommodate them. I also believe that I caused a sensory overload at one time. It was an incredibly disturbing experience for both of us and I think that he was really embarrassed by it. I care so much for this guy and I don?t want to hurt him. Unfortunately, I feel that our relationship resembles walking on crushed glass--it hurts both of us. Any advice will be highly appreciated. Back to top autismthinker21 Snowy Owl Joined: Jul 27, 2011 Posts: 127 Location: unitedstates Back to top Bison554 Yellow-bellied Woodpecker Joined: Jan 31, 2012 Posts: 50 Back to top aspiemike Deinonychus Joined: Jul 09, 2012 Posts: 347 Location: Ottawa, Ontario Back to top LadyBug_NYC Emu Egg Joined: Nov 12, 2012 Posts: 2 Back to top aspiemike Deinonychus Joined: Jul 09, 2012 Posts: 347 Location: Ottawa, Ontario Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 7:53 pm?? ?Post subject: LadyBug_NYC wrote: Thank you for your comments! Do people with Asperger?s often feel like other people are out to get them? As an NT, I don?t have this kind of thoughts. Reading posts in this forum made me realize that perhaps differences in perception constitute the biggest obstacle to aspie-NT relationships. That?s why I would like to understand HIS perspective, which I know is inaccessible to someone like me. I read so many posts here written by people who speak about a desire for a relationship but also about the need for mutual respect between partners, and I would like to know more about how to build this kind of respectful and loving relationship with someone who exists in a different mental frame. I don?t want my actions to be misunderstood by him. What distresses me the most is that I realize how easily he could misconstrue my behavior as something malicious. I just don?t know what to watch out for. As for being undiagnosed ?I think that he has a formal diagnosis since I know that he received some form of counseling at one point. I already suggested a few things about the way he conveys his comments and I think that it worked. I hope this is a positive sign. If he is changing things about himself because he wants to be with you and keep you around, it should be a good sign. He is listening and showing you respect the best way he can. My lady friend told me that I needed to work on my tone of voice and being more direct and clear with her as well. Being clear and direct works both ways. The best way to find out what to watch for... just ask us at any point and we can do what we can to help out. Back to top autismthinker21 Snowy Owl Joined: Jul 27, 2011 Posts: 127 Location: unitedstates Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 7:59 pm?? ?Post subject: LadyBug_NYC wrote: Thank you for your comments! Do people with Asperger?s often feel like other people are out to get them? As an NT, I don?t have this kind of thoughts. Reading posts in this forum made me realize that perhaps differences in perception constitute the biggest obstacle to aspie-NT relationships. That?s why I would like to understand HIS perspective, which I know is inaccessible to someone like me. I read so many posts here written by people who speak about a desire for a relationship but also about the need for mutual respect between partners, and I would like to know more about how to build this kind of respectful and loving relationship with someone who exists in a different mental frame. I don?t want my actions to be misunderstood by him. What distresses me the most is that I realize how easily he could misconstrue my behavior as something malicious. I just don?t know what to watch out for. As for being undiagnosed ?I think that he has a formal diagnosis since I know that he received some form of counseling at one point. I already suggested a few things about the way he conveys his comments and I think that it worked. I hope this is a positive sign. it does happen when people are out to get them like that. it's how we look at people sometimes. no offense. _________________ The world is like a vision in which imagination takes it's part. since then we have life as a dream and no reality. Back to top autismthinker21 Snowy Owl Joined: Jul 27, 2011 Posts: 127 Location: unitedstates Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 8:00 pm?? ?Post subject: aspiemike wrote: LadyBug_NYC wrote: Thank you for your comments! Do people with Asperger?s often feel like other people are out to get them? As an NT, I don?t have this kind of thoughts. Reading posts in this forum made me realize that perhaps differences in perception constitute the biggest obstacle to aspie-NT relationships. That?s why I would like to understand HIS perspective, which I know is inaccessible to someone like me. I read so many posts here written by people who speak about a desire for a relationship but also about the need for mutual respect between partners, and I would like to know more about how to build this kind of respectful and loving relationship with someone who exists in a different mental frame. I don?t want my actions to be misunderstood by him. What distresses me the most is that I realize how easily he could misconstrue my behavior as something malicious. I just don?t know what to watch out for. As for being undiagnosed ?I think that he has a formal diagnosis since I know that he received some form of counseling at one point. I already suggested a few things about the way he conveys his comments and I think that it worked. I hope this is a positive sign. If he is changing things about himself because he wants to be with you and keep you around, it should be a good sign. He is listening and showing you respect the best way he can. My lady friend told me that I needed to work on my tone of voice and being more direct and clear with her as well. Being clear and direct works both ways. The best way to find out what to watch for... just ask us at any point and we can do what we can to help out. yeah maybe he is getting use to you and figuring you out like a report. _________________ The world is like a vision in which imagination takes it's part. since then we have life as a dream and no reality. Back to top The_Postmaster Snowy Owl Joined: Feb 18, 2011 Age: 17 Posts: 134 Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 8:02 pm?? ?Post subject: LadyBug_NYC wrote: Thank you for your comments! Do people with Asperger?s often feel like other people are out to get them? As an NT, I don?t have this kind of thoughts. Reading posts in this forum made me realize that perhaps differences in perception constitute the biggest obstacle to aspie-NT relationships. That?s why I would like to understand HIS perspective, which I know is inaccessible to someone like me. Being an Aspie, he may have been bullied, ostracized, or made to feel inadequate by other people. I know I was, mostly during middle school and early high school. It's left me with a bitter taste in my mouth regarding people, and it made me extremely apprehensive around them. I'm a senior in high school now, the bullying is completely over, I have friends who accept me, but I still can't shake that feeling. I can't speak for all Aspies, but personally my mind seems to function much like a dog's in that operant and classical conditioning are what primarily shape my actions and attitudes. Also, what aspiemike said. It takes me a very long time to get comfortable around people. _________________ "Every day a rerun of the next. I promised to stay by your side. That all would change, I can't complain, another victim of the game." -Underoath Back to top

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