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It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. ??Yogi Berra
Talking. Damn I used to hate that word. It scared me almost as much as the word commitment did. I don?t feel as strongly about it anymore though, which is not to say I now relish the thought of sharing my dark cobwebby secrets, I?ve just worked at it enough that I?m not completely intimidated by the prospect of having to talk about them should the need arise.
Improving my communication skills has definitely made my life easier, for one thing I now realize stoic silence doesn?t yield anywhere near the positive results a good old heart to heart does.?Of course being married to someone as sweet and?patient (and sexy, let?s not forget sexy)?as Sporty certainly helped matters. I?m sure my transformation from curmudgeonly bear to mostly pleasant person would have been an infinitely trickier process without her by my side.
Talking wasn?t my nemesis alone mind you, as a new couple Sporty and I quickly became adept at skirting around or ignoring the big issues.
People often cover the big stuff in the early stages of their relationship and then leave it at that. It?s as if they assume that neither party will ever change. Thing is, if there?s one thing we humans can be relied upon to do it?s change. It?s a natural progression that comes with age and I for one would be pretty concerned if I still liked the same things I did when I was in my twenties. Oy vey?
This in mind, it?s a good idea to touch base every now and then to make sure that even if you?re not currently on the same page (it happens to the best of us), you?re at least still headed in the same direction.
It doesn?t have to be a deep and heavy affair, but you shouldn?t be flip about it either. This is an opportunity to reaffirm your common goals and feedback to one another about how you?re feeling within the relationship and where you think adjustments could be made to improve the overall quality of it.
Jack Canfield, co-creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul Series, claims that simply by asking the relevant person the question, ?How am I doing?? you can bring about positive change in all of your relationships.
He offers the following tips on how to ensure the best possible results when asking this question.
Ask Clearly: Think carefully about your question and what you want to achieve with it. Simply asking, ?How am I doing?? without offering specifics will lead to a vague response. Help the person understand what you?re getting at by beginning with a direct reference to exactly what topic you?re referring to. For example, if it?s your fitness habits, try ?I?d really appreciate your thoughts on how I?m doing in my attempts to shape up physically.?
Ask Confidently: People who ask confidently get more than those who are hesitant and uncertain. You need to be equally positive when it comes to receiving the answer. Remember, you might not like what you hear, but at least you?ll know where you need to improve.
Ask Consistently: Don?t give up just because the person you asked wasn?t keen to respond. Either find someone else to ask or rework your question in such a way that the person will feel more comfortable about being honest with you.
Ask Creatively: Life is a busy business these days, so you need to think outside the box in order to get someone?s undivided attention. This is especially apt if what you?re asking can be misconstrued as awkward or a waste of time. Timing is also important here. Asking your wife how you?re shaping up in the husband department just as she?s rushing off to work isn?t going to yield a good result.
Ask Sincerely: When you really need help, people will respond. Ask from your heart, keep it simple and people will open up to you.
[Paraphrased from the article?"How Am I Doing?" The One Question That Can Change All Of Your Relationships?by Jack Canfield.]?
Opening yourself up to the possibility of criticism is scary, there?s no getting around that. None of us like being told we suck at something, but at least if we know we do then we can do something about it.
The idea behind asking the question, ?How am I doing?? is purely to make improvements within yourself to better your relationships in general, be they with your kids, spouse, colleagues, etc., but?I think it could be fun to use this technique as a couple as well.
If things are already pretty good between you, then the aim could be one of transforming good into great. Conversely, if you and your partner haven?t been feeling the love lately this might be just the thing to get you speaking the same language again.
All these metaphors I know, but you?re getting the gist right?
I suggest that you each ask one question and then be 100% open to the response. Try your best to not be over-sensitive. Really listen to your partner?s response. Mull it over. Think on it. And above all, thank them for their honesty. Feeding back can be scary too!
Once you?ve each had a turn to ask and feed back you can then decide if you feel comfortable enough to delve deeper or if you?d rather give the information?a day or so to settle before?engaging in a more in-depth discussion.
Yabber on folks!
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